THE CLUB MIX
by Ed Owens
What a bountiful
week for DVDs. This past Tuesday saw such a flood of highly anticipated
movies being released to the world's favorite digital format that I
damn near had to take out a second mortgage. However, with so many movies
to watch, I began to wonder where I would ever find the time. Then it
dawned on me: why not remix two or three films together, thereby cutting
the necessary viewing time in half? For that matter, why stop with current
DVD release? The premise established, I offer you the following:
The Good, the Bad, and the Coyote Ugly--Three women race to
find gold and a less annoying soundtrack in the form of a steady paycheck
as bar matron at a wildly popular Civil War tavern.
The Talented Mr. Limpett--A dashing young nobody turns into
an animated fish, kills Charlie Tuna, and takes over the celebrity's
life. Hilarity ensues.
American Booty Call--A disillusioned husband quits his job in
order to spend time with his homies trying to get the hookup, but instead
becomes the victim of a random drive-by.
The Sound of the Dead--An ex-nun is forced to nanny evil spirits
she accidentally awakens while hiding out in a cabin in the woods. Highlights
include replacing her severed arm with a guitar.
Run Chicken Run--A desperate fryer has twenty minutes to save
her cornish hen friend from a culinary death, with each failed attempt
resulting in the opportunity to do things differently.
Memoirs of an Invisible Geisha--a young woman becomes invisible
when she falls asleep at a research lab, and uses her newfound ability
to work her way up the social ladder of the Japanese trophy wife.
The Joy Luck Fight Club--Four young Chinese women and their
mothers rediscover their heritage by beating each other into semi-conscious
Road Trip to Bountiful--An elderly lady flees her controlling
family and travels to her hometown in search of the homemade porno she
buried their in her youth.
American Pie Co.--Four Wall Street bakers enter a pact to make
best-selling pies from their hapless victims.
Bring it On the Town--Three cheerleaders spend their spring
break exploring New York City. Hilarity and vibrant dance numbers ensue.
Charlie's Angels in the Outfield--A young boy's wish depends
on three down and out detectives playing in the all female baseball
league for their coach Bosley and unseen owner Charlie.
Ghost Dogma--A mafia hitman spends long periods walking to the
beat of a hip-hop soundtrack in search of renegade angels bent on re-entering
The Unbearable Lightness of Being John Malkovich--The quirky
actor continually blacks out, only to wake up in an even quirkier threesome
in 1960's Prague.
The Original Three Kings--A trio of comedians (along with their
MC) set out in search of Kuwaiti gold while entertaining troops in the
Any Bloody Sunday--An NFL coach and his team manager wife are
both having affairs with the star quarterback.