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by Ed Owens

What a bountiful week for DVDs. This past Tuesday saw such a flood of highly anticipated movies being released to the world's favorite digital format that I damn near had to take out a second mortgage. However, with so many movies to watch, I began to wonder where I would ever find the time. Then it dawned on me: why not remix two or three films together, thereby cutting the necessary viewing time in half? For that matter, why stop with current DVD release? The premise established, I offer you the following:

The Good, the Bad, and the Coyote Ugly--Three women race to find gold and a less annoying soundtrack in the form of a steady paycheck as bar matron at a wildly popular Civil War tavern.

The Talented Mr. Limpett--A dashing young nobody turns into an animated fish, kills Charlie Tuna, and takes over the celebrity's life. Hilarity ensues.

American Booty Call--A disillusioned husband quits his job in order to spend time with his homies trying to get the hookup, but instead becomes the victim of a random drive-by.

The Sound of the Dead--An ex-nun is forced to nanny evil spirits she accidentally awakens while hiding out in a cabin in the woods. Highlights include replacing her severed arm with a guitar.

Run Chicken Run--A desperate fryer has twenty minutes to save her cornish hen friend from a culinary death, with each failed attempt resulting in the opportunity to do things differently.

Memoirs of an Invisible Geisha--a young woman becomes invisible when she falls asleep at a research lab, and uses her newfound ability to work her way up the social ladder of the Japanese trophy wife.

The Joy Luck Fight Club--Four young Chinese women and their mothers rediscover their heritage by beating each other into semi-conscious flashbacks.

Road Trip to Bountiful--An elderly lady flees her controlling family and travels to her hometown in search of the homemade porno she buried their in her youth.

American Pie Co.--Four Wall Street bakers enter a pact to make best-selling pies from their hapless victims.

Bring it On the Town--Three cheerleaders spend their spring break exploring New York City. Hilarity and vibrant dance numbers ensue.

Charlie's Angels in the Outfield--A young boy's wish depends on three down and out detectives playing in the all female baseball league for their coach Bosley and unseen owner Charlie.

Ghost Dogma--A mafia hitman spends long periods walking to the beat of a hip-hop soundtrack in search of renegade angels bent on re-entering heaven.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being John Malkovich--The quirky actor continually blacks out, only to wake up in an even quirkier threesome in 1960's Prague.

The Original Three Kings--A trio of comedians (along with their MC) set out in search of Kuwaiti gold while entertaining troops in the Gulf War.

Any Bloody Sunday--An NFL coach and his team manager wife are both having affairs with the star quarterback.

CineScene, 2001