Ah, those plucky Brits
by Lovell Mahan-Moutaw

The dreaming concert promotor in Hear My Song, the entire village in Waking Ned Devine, the out-of-work stripper wannabes in The Full Monty, the pot-growing one-time drug dealers in Saving Grace, and the adorable, dancing Billy Elliot. If they want to find a way to make their lives better (and in some cases, realize their dreams) they'll do it, even if it means full frontal nudity.

Alas, in the case of Greenfingers and its lead actor, Clive Owen, there is no full frontal nudity. But the Brits are cornering the market on feel-good, Rocky-esque movies. The latest in this triumph-against-adversity-through-humor-pluck-desire-and-general-go-getter-attitude is the true story of prisoners and gardening. Yes, I said prisoners and gardening. Colin Briggs (the deliciously handsome Clive Owen) is a hard core prisoner. He's been in the joint for many, many years for doing something which we do not find out about until later. He has been toughened by the system and understands that his life, in and out of prison, is pretty much worthless.

He is moved to an "open prison" - the philosophy behind which frankly scares the bejesus out of me. An open prison is a kind of house where a bunch of prisoners hang out and do things that they can do in real life and play a lot of soccer. There are no walls, fences, barbed wire, or look-out towers, but there is what looks like one rather stern but friendly guard. The prisoners don't escape of their own accord - smart enough to know that they'd be sent back to the bad prison if they get caught (but not smart enough not to do some hideous crime to get imprisoned in the first place). We are not talking about tax evaders here, but "lifers" who commited murder and armed robbery and such. I'm guessing since this is based on a true story, that these open prisons actually exist in the UK. I'm also guessing that they work in the UK or they wouldn't continue to exist. Or at least I hope so.

That said, Colin doesn't care much about anything, is brusque with his elderly roommate Fergus (David Kelly), readily takes on the job of plunging toilets and mopping up urinals, and generally exudes "bad mood". Then, Fergus, who has seen the error of his ways (which was drinking to the point of killing three wives), gives him a packet of seeds which Colin plants in the dead of winter, pretty much in order to make a point to the plucky, elderly roommate that things are as they are and that no miracles happen. BELIEVE IT OR NOT the seeds find purchase and grow into darling violas. Colin has found his calling.

The equally plucky warden (with bad teeth, which is not surprising considering the bizarre and even frightening way he brushes them) decides to start a gardening program at the prison, and Colin, as well as a variety of other inmates, are forced to plant a garden. Needless to say, these murderers find their life's desire in roses and wildflowers, they make a friend and champion in the nation's leading gardener, Georgina Woodhouse (Helen Mirren, apparently slummng) and well, no spoilers here but I think you get the picture.

Okay, problems with the film: 1) Clive Owen is miscast. Oh, he can play a prisoner all right, but a prisoner-turned-gardener he is not. His brooding is best left to spy films, noir films, strange little indie films, romantic films (albeit perhaps not romantic comedies) and if there is a God, one day, James Bond films. Regardlesss of this, he's still damned attractive - I just want to make that clear. 2) The use of music was sometimes silly, sometimes ill-conceived, sometimes annoying and sometimes downright stupid. It was invasive and I hated it. Songs like Tears for Fears' "Sowing the Seeds of Love" and the like. It was very, very bad. 3) The screenplay (Joel Hershman, who also directed) is unoriginal, uninspired and poorly written. The characters are badly developed (except Owen's) and we don't really care a whole helluva lot about them. 4) It is a bit slapdash - the pacing is off and generally it isn't put together very well. 5) Primrose (Colin's love interest, played by Natasha Little) wears horrible dresses.

Things that worked in the film: 1) I got to watch Clive Owens for an hour and a half and he wore a tank top a couple of times. 2) It was rather humorous here and there. I can't honestly recommend this one. I can even honestly say that I wouldn't suggest renting it. It isn't worth the time. If you want to see a good, plucky, feel-good movie rent (or better yet, buy) Billy Elliot. It puts the others to shame.

Sometimes I wonder, actually marvel, at some of the movies that get made. It isn't that they are bad, it is just that they are so unusual that I cannot imagine how anyone would say, "Yes! That's brilliant...that story MUST be told!" or "I love it, let's take a chance, here is two million dollars. GO MAKE THAT MOVIE!" or "That is art, that is unbelievably REAL, IMPORTANT, BEAUTIFUL in its ugliness. You must do it, you will change the way we are as human beings forever." Or something to that effect. Then we, or say, me, the average moviegoer, sees this creation, this thing, and we marvel at it. "What was that?" "Did I enjoy that?" "Did I hate that or simply and purely love it?" "Why do my fingernails grow?" "Why is it that I'm so stupid that I would wear a short wrap-around skirt while walking from home to the theater in a pre-thunderstorm so the wind would whip up my skirt and I could panty-moon all of Broadway?" Or something to that effect.

In Sexy Beast we have a pretty nice guy, Gal (Ray Winstone), who just wants to live in Spain with his somewhat bizarre friends and his ex-porno star wife. He used to be in the crime world but has escaped and is "definitely retired". Along comes Paul (Ben Kingsley), a rather strange individual who frightens the hell out of everyone. I don't know why, except for the fact that he is completely psychotic. Then there is Teddy (Ian McShane), the tea-drinking-while-at-an-orgy mastermind behind a rather sinister crew of people back in London. Okay, so Gal is living his life with his beloved wife, Deedee (Amanda Redman), and spending fun times with his bizarre friends. Paul offers him a job. Gal tries to say no. Paul abuses him, his wife and his bizarre friends. The story kind of goes on from there.

Good things about the movie: The soundtrack. Winstone as Gal. Amanda Redman's eyes. The entire early scene with the boulder. The unrelenting and building suspense that precedes and follows some pretty hilarious comedy. The care taken in developing Gal by Winstone and director Jonathan Glazer . The artsy editing, when it works.

Bad things about the movie: The accents (I'm sorry, I couldn't understand them, it is all me and my non-cosmopolitan American appetite, but I missed a lot of the movie). The rather too-strangeness of Paul (just shoot him already). The clumsy attempt to throw us off with false foreshadowing. The artsy editing, when it doesn't work.

I can't say that Sexy Beast bored me, it didn't make me roll my eyes, it didn't leave me unimpressed by its pretentious bullshit. I did laugh, I did get scared, and I very, very much cared about what happened to Gal. But I am conflicted...I am not sure exactly how I felt. Because I don't think I loved it, and I certainly didn't hate it and there is a question as to whether I even liked it or not. I would be careful who I recommended it to - .surely not those friends of mine who didn't like The Big Lebowski. This is what they call a mixed review - as in, mixed up. So, see Sexy Beast, I guess.

©2001 Lovell Mahan-Moutaw
CineScene