Dear Santa
by Lovell Mahan-Moutaw

Dear Santa:

For Christmas this year, I have to say, I'm going to ask the virtually impossible. Please give Boris Becker a movie career and not only that, make him a decent actor.

I know it is a lot to ask, but it is very important to me. As he is retired, I won't get to see him as much as I used to.

But, if you can't do that, I will understand. I have some other things on my wish list for your consideration.

1) Stop Joan Rivers. She makes me sad. She isn't funny. Her conversations on the red carpets used to be funny but now they just get more and more pathetic. I don't mind Melissa, at least she seems a little professional and takes things seriously enough to get the information across. But Joan is horrible. That fashion show of hers is mean-spirited and needs to be cancelled. Or, get Patsy and Edina to do it.

2) No, I'm not completely selfish, this list isn't going to be about me, me, me. I have a wish for others too. Give Lara Flynn Boyle, Courtney Cox, Helen Hunt, Jennifer Aniston, Calista Flockhart (hell, the entire cast of Ally McBeal except the adorable Jane Krakowski) a hot fudge sundae (that would be one for each, not one to share amongst them) and restore their taste buds (long since dead after thousands of packs of Marlboro lights). I fear for their lives if this doesn't happen. I'm not kidding.

3) Please, please, please, find us a movie star or two. A real movie star - like Clark Gable or Marilyn Monroe or Cary Grant or Jimmy Stewart. Don't talk to me about Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks and Brad Pitt and Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman and blah, blah, blah. Yes, I like them but they aren't real movie stars. The last ones I know of are Harrison Ford and maybe Julia Roberts. We need one, desperately.

4) Stop with the remakes of A Christmas Carol. My God, the only decent one in the last two decades was Scrooged. Sure, Patrick Stewart was a stroke of genius but it doesn't hide the fact that it has been done and done and done again. The slightly humorous take off on the tv show Popular was okay but did they really have to make the fat girl equivalent to Tiny Tim? When did being twenty pounds overweight make you crippled? Please Santa, it is so tired, no more Christmas Carols, please.

5) Give us a blockbuster next summer. I mean something amazing - something that will creep up on us and knock our socks off like Star Wars or Raiders of the Lost Ark. No sequels, something new, original, maybe even intelligent.

6) Send Celine Dion back to Canada and stop this incessant goodbye. She's worse than Naomi Judd (and guess whooooo's baaaack?). Celine, go take care of your husband and leave us alone.

7) Speaking of Divas, please make either Madonna or Janet Jackson say yes to the VH1 Diva concert next year. And, no male divas please. Elton brought the whole thing down by pushing some song no one knew from a new album. And he wasn't even wearing a cool outfit.

8) Please bring back Keanu in some studly movie. I don't care what, he just needs to talk little and give good face. But if it is good, like The Matrix, all the better.

9) Give us a wonderful romantic comedy like Pretty Woman or The Cutting Edge or Overboard or something like that. Something funny and sweet and wonderful that makes us believe, even if only for a moment, in love.

10) Bring back the 50s/60s style ultra stillettoed, ultra pointed-toed pump. And bring them to Denver. And make sure they aren't made by Manolo Blahnik, so I can afford them.

Thank you ever so much, Santa, you're the greatest.


Lovell Mahan-Moutaw

CineScene 1999