A study in the psycho-sexual predilection of subjects suffering from celebrity obsession syndrome.

By Professor Sasha Stone and Dr. Mark Ashley

Professor Stone:-

Meg Ryan: You go for the more child-like types, women who aren't threatening either physically or intellectually, you skate down the middle and like to be seen at football games, soccer games and picnics with your perky girlfriend or wife who can dress provocatively without seeming overt (but she's sexy to you). Carnal knowledge not required.

Jennifer Lopez: Your ideal evening would include a lot of tequila, possibly the Rolling Stones blasting in the background (Jimi Hendrix is a suitable alternative), you prefer total and complete nakedness at all times. You'd end up in the shower eventually. Talking is secondary to playful teasing. You would probably play childhood games like hide n' see, tag and pin the tail on the donkey. What does it say about you? You lead with your pecker but you aren't too picky. Carnal knowledge definitely intact.

Cameron Diaz: A mixture of the above two, not quite Hitchockian but not quite Peckinpah either. You like bubbly blondes who will impress your friends and co-workers but you'd like to dabble in the carnal now and again (make her pop a happy pill and all will be well). You had crushes in high school on girls who were your friends but would never let you pet their privates. What does it say about you? You live in an escapist's world, far from reality. Carnal knowledge not a requirement.

Helen Mirren: My kinda guy! Carnal knowledge in a big way. Not picky about looks but digs the brainy chicks who make you feel kinda stupid all the time. You have had a variety of womenfolk in your life and in your bed. You like long dinners over good wine. Possible sound track: Miles Davis, Sarah Vaughn. What does it say about you? You're healthy.

Michelle Pfeiffer: Sadly, does not live in the real world. Puts women up high on pedestal. Hitchcockian in a big way. Never got dates with cheerleaders in high school but "settled" for the sweet girls with "personality." Carnal knowledge does not come into play as it is unnecessary in the final analysis. Soundtrack would be Kenny G. and you'd be alone.

Julia Roberts: Most likely gay. If not gay, struggling with own sexuality. If you once liked her, but now you don't, see Sandra Bullock. You long to have a gal pal who'd get your face on the cover of a tabloid or else you're addicted to prescription drugs. Carnal knowledge not applicable.

Sandra Bullock: Wants desperately to marry. Is sick of showing up at parties with the girl nobody looks at. Craves acceptance via the beauty of his companion. Feels the desperate tug of inferiority. What does it say about you? You pretend to be normal. Carnal knowledge a five on the scale of one to ten.

Milla Jovavich: You feel you are on the outside looking in. No woman has ever been able to reach your true inner self. But Milla could, you think. You won't go near the girls who like you and you long to punish the ones who don't. You're always searching for the right bowl of porridge, unfortunately you have to go elsewhere to find it. Carnal knowledge is at an all time high since it's fantasy-based.

Winona Ryder: You can't face getting old. You figure Winona's as weird as you are and pretty enough to up your status in the tribe. You like that she hides her va va voom figure for your eyes only. You don't want to soil your image of her by dating other women or else you date successfully but keep your love for Winona a secret. Carnal knowledge not applicable.

Charlie Sheen: Way too smart for most crowds. You like clean cut types who visit whorehouses regularly. You don't mind the drugs because you can safely gaze upon him from afar. You ought to forget about Charlie, though. He'll break your heart. Carnal knowledge - high, pretty darned high.

Ewan McGregor: You dwell in the world of fantasy. You aren't old but aren't young either. You like to think you'd like to live on the wild side but the truth is you're secretly attracted to Ewan because he reminds you of a clean cut boy who might deliver groceries. You see yourself as Blanche Dubois at times (those desperate times). You aren't afraid of the image of a penis, be it flacid or otherwise., therefore you get high marks on the carnal knowledge scale.

Harvey Keitel: Again, you aren't afraid of the male member on screen. You don't put looks high up on the list of desireable traits. You'd like to have long conversations over good wine, listening to old Hank Williams records. Carnal knowledge is high from personal experience. You've dated lots of men and know first hand that the better looking a guy the worse he is in bed.

Christian Slater: If you were crazy about River Phoenix then switched to Christian Slater you long to be a rebel but could never accept the grungy lifestyle that goes with it. You are intimidated by the real thing (Jack Nicholson) so you go for the creamed down version. You would rather be drawn in yet still retain your innocence, i.e. - you allow yourself to be blindfolded and taken to a deep dark forest only to be ravaged by the wicked wicked wolf. Carnal knowledge is pretty well intact but you pretend it isn't.

Tim Robbins: The "thinking woman's" beefcake. You put politics before sex, good intentions before actual genius and in general appreciate a man who doesn't care how many wrinkles you have or how droopy your breasts become. He is a man who apparently likes real women. To that end, you consider yourself a real woman but secretly you like the fact that he's almost seven feet tall and that, in the end, may be the real reason he's so appealing to you. Carnal knowledge must be well intact because he can't possibly know what he's doing.

Nicolas Cage: You obviously like a man who can get down and dirty and has the bod to go along with it. You have at various times fantasized about being Bruce's Jersey Girl, possibly Billy Joel's Uptown Girl and definitely ZZ Top's She's Got Legs. You would likely be the type to do a private lap dance for Nick because you know he'd appreciate it. You aren't threatened by macho but you like a man who cries. You aren't particularly picky about men as long as they slobber at the sight of nakedness. You say hey honey, take a walk on the wild side (and the colored girls go do do do do do...) Whoops, got lost in the moment. Where was I? What was I--oh, yes. Carnal knowledge not entirely developed. You're willing and ready to experiment.

Dr. Ashley:-

Leonardo Di Caprio: Paedophilia is a crime, you know. Carnal knowledge should definitely not be considered, try therapy.

Professor Stone: -

Oh, yes. I concur with my colleague. I would add that one can test one's health in this regard by doing some soul-searching. Are you now or have you ever liked the Spice Girls?

Dr. Ashley:-

The Spice Girls: To any man who is attracted to The Spice Girls there is one important fact that you should know, the majority of their fan base falls into one distinct category, young girls between six and twelve. If you fell comfortable amongst this peer group then fair enough, but you should keep in mind that many of your friends and colleagues may not be so broad minded.

Johnny Depp: Well they do say that it is easier for women to come to terms with their bisexuality, so keep on with the baby steps, perhaps you could try k.d. lang next, maybe one day you'll achieve the full Ellen. Carnal knowledge? Of a kind?

Professor Stone:-

Here I must disagree with my colleage doktor Ashley. If you like Johnnie Depp you probably like him more for his good reputation as someone who connects with the supercool: Hunter S. Thompson, Marlon Brando and the like. Any carnal knowledge you might feel should be re-directed into your art.

Dr. Ashley:-

It is true to say that Johnny Depp does bring with him a body of interesting work and reputation, but I must ask, is that the body that you're looking at. If you can stand up and proclaim the same amount of love and devotion to Steve Buscemi then I'll grant you that clemency. otherwise this may be a case for further study.

Kiefer Sutherland: You're just kidding yourself, why not come all the way out and admit you're a Kenneth Branagh fan. Carnal Knowledge? Depends on how strong your stomach is.

Professor Stone:-

Yes, once again Doktor Ashley has hit the nail on the head, if you will. I would add that if you like Kiefer you are probably likely to stalk Julia Roberts at some point. But if you are, in fact, an "out" Kenneth Branagh fan, then you are one who doesn't consider looks over brains (see Charlie Sheen) and would rather have someone who could make you laugh in the morning rather than someone who would make you cry (see Charlie Sheen).

Dr. Ashley:-

Matt! Damon: Closet Leonardo fan - see above. Unlike the full blown Leonardo fan you are at least aware of the law, and have some sense of decency. Carnal Knowledge? Yes, ok, but think about what you're doing.

Professor Stone:-

Here, I take issue with the "esteemed" Dr. Ashley. MATT! fans range in age and occupation. You are either a nervous and freaked out teen (oh, my GOD! Sexuality, SEXUALITY! Oh, my GOD!) or else you're a nervous and freaked out post-biological-clock ticking thirtysomething (Oh, my GOD! SEXUALITY! SEXUALITY! MATT!). You like him in spite of your better judgment. You know he's a teen idol yet you can't help yourself. You are likely to hide your affection by renting his films in your own private world. You are embarrassed that you like MATT! but you can't find a way out. You're in a world of hurt.

Dr. Ashley:-

I notice that you disagree with me quite violently about MATT! The lady doth protest too much methinks. Could it be that you are yourself afflicted with this condition? I have to admit, it is better than going for the clearly prepubescent Leonardo (and a poor woman's River Phoenix - how quickly we/I forget).

Mel Gibson: So, biological clock ticking, still no children. I'm terribly sorry, but this isn't going to help. You don't have time to fantasize about this cheeky, yet lovable family man, he will not be the father of your children. Try watching Maverick, the overacting may possibly cure you. If not, seeing him with Jodie Foster may give you one or two clues to his true nature. Nothing to look forward to on the carnal front.

Keanu Reeves. You have a clear and exaggerated mother fixation. You clearly want someone with a guaranteed lower IQ than you, and you're not bothered about wood. As for any carnal intentions, as long as you can tuck him up in bed at night and read him a story then a suitable autoerotic device and fresh batteries should take care of the residuals.

Sean Connery: How old exactly are you? Connery stopped being Bond in the 70s. We've had four more since then. If however you also list Patrick Stewart, Donald Pleasance and Kevin Spacey, then you should know it's not true, bald men are not more virile, that's just what women say to them to stop them feeling selfconcious. Note: This also applies to Dustin Hoffman's nose - complete myth. Carnal knowledge, well that's what you were hoping, but you'll have to wait for him to finish his cocoa.

Paul Newman: Perfectly normal red blooded woman, carry on. Aside: In The Sure Thing Gibb clearly recognized (and mimed an attack on) the poster of Paul Newman as his chief rival to Alison's affection and not her current boyfriend Jason. Even pictures of this man should come with a health warning.

Helen Hunt: You really like Jodie Foster, but even if she turns out to be heterosexual (and you're not sure), she's way out of your league. Truth is Helen Hunt is way out of your league as well, you just don't realize it, Linda Hunt is more your style. Carnal knowledge? Fat chance.

Professor Stone:-

Yes, more kudos to my esteemed colleague. But (she leans back in her armchair and re-lights the pipe) don't you think that Helen's sexuality is under question as well? Point is, Helen Hunt is a woman encounter of the marrying kind. Men who like Helen figure they can get a date with her. They don't regard her as beyond their reach. She's Jennifer Anistoned all over the big screen, if you will. She's taken the Bullock out of Sandra. She's the girl next door with the great big cans. Carnal knowledge is about a six. Plenty of groping, not a lot of crazed balls-out abandon.

Dr. Ashley:-

Sharon Stone: The rumours are not true, she does wear underwear. Best thing you can do is splash out on some pornography, or perhaps it's a toss up between Traci Lords and Ingrid Pitt.

Professor Stone:-

Thank you for reminding me. Sharon Stone, definitely Hitchcockian, in a big way. Uptown poontang for those men who spend a lot of dough at blackjack, Stone is the gal for you. You like that she's now considered "smart" so you don't have to be embarrassed about liking her. You could also fall into the category of the type who liked her better before you found out she was smart. Now you're not sure. She seems smart, she seems wacky. And she dyes her pubes. In short: you're in denial. Seek therapy. Carnal knowledge high, about a nine.

Dr. Ashley:-

Demi Moore: You used to fancy Kathleen Turner but found she looked too much like a normal woman. So now you've opted for a younger model with a similar high octane voice and optional accessories. You've dumped the Rolls Royce for a sportier model, only to find that you can't get the spare parts. Carnal knowledge: Why not fill her up and take for a spin round the block?

Professor Stone:-

There you go. You definitely fancied Kathleen during her Body Heat era. You still watch that video and swoon when Bill Hurt tosses the chair through the glass. You'd definitely show her your chimes if she showed you hers. Body Heat Kathleen means you're possibly into uptown poontang who can also get down and dirty, even acrobatic should the mood strike you. Secretly, you have been known to request a specific phone sex fantasy whereupon you'd be groped by a Vegas showgirl but just before peak season she'd walk out on you, having lifted your wallet. Carnal knowledge is low. You think all women beg for more like Kathleen (when in truth they want you to murder their husbands).

Demi Moore - this is a little more complicated. A recent post Striptease Moore fetish would mean you're a lonely guy who wants to get serviced, plain and simple. No fancy talk, no candlelight dinner. You're Joe Pesci in Casino ("Take care o' me"). Moore has that aims-to-please pout you long for. She seems like she might even dabble in your much-desired taboos, those things men dare not even talk about. You are most likely married and therefore feel free to wonder what it would be like to be serviced by such a willing partner (you figure, hell, "If she boned Michael Douglas she might bone me too.")

Dr. Ashley:-

Heather Graham: Normal healthy hot blooded male. This woman is guaranteed to raise the hopes of any heterosexual man.

Professor Stone:-

Heather Graham, sure, to borrow a poetic phrase from The Rolling Stones, she could make a dead man come. Butcha know... She's definitely pseudo-intellectual film school grad bait. She's the kind of girl a USC student might pine away over while she either pats him on the head in a patronizing fashion or else has him do endless favors for her in return for being seen with him at some film school party. Carnal knowledge - varies, unimportant.

Dr. Ashley:-

Drew Barrymore: Yes, well, I don't think we should talk about this too much, you're just one step away from Christina Ricci here, next thing you know it'll be Natalie Portman and then you're in serious trouble. Carnal Knowledge? Not if you want to stay out of jail.

Professor Stone:-

Yes, good point. But I think Drew Barrymore fans have grown to like her as a childwoman but wouldn't object if she dressed up in pigtails and a Catholic girls school uniform. That wouldn't be out of line. But there are some Drew fans who like to think of themselves as hip. They wear tattoos, they may have once ridden a Harley. She's definitely a popular choice among baby boomers who long to take Viagra and rediscover the human body.

Dr. Ashley:-

Isabella Rossellini: Do I need to say it? What you really want is Ingrid Bergman, but you can't face being sexually attracted to someone who is dead (or at least you won't admit it). See also Ginger Rogers and Olivia De Havilland. Carnal Knowledge? You tell me.

Professor Stone:-

Yes, you might have also imprinted the image of her in Blue Velvet tromping around in the nude. If so (someone claims to have had an orgasm during the "take off your pants! Do eet!" scene) and you long to be with a woman who likes to get slapped, you are a man who dwells more comfortably in the fantasy world. You watch pornos and surf internet porn. You don't tell anyone about it but admit to admiring the work of Isabella. Carnal knowledge is about a five - you know all the ins and out of monkey pulling but not so much about a woman (but you'd be open to lessons).

Dr. Ashley:-

Jennifer Aniston: An unusual case, men attracted to her clearly go for a short skirt and animated breasts (the proverbial two rabbits in a sack - small but lively rabbits). Women also are aware of Aniston and should not be surprised if when discussing with their partner if he would like you to copy her hairstyle, the partner says "what hairstyle?" It would be surprising if any man actually knew what her face looked like.

Professor Stone:-

It is hard not to gaze at her breasts, I'll give you that

Dr. Ashley:-

Sandra Bullock: Another interesting subject. The "ugly duckling" of Hollywood. It seems that Hollywood is fixated on hair colour and has not noticed that Cameron Diaz is more of a duck than Bullock, thanks to her blond bob. Neither of course are ugly, but then Hollywood speaks a different form of English than the rest of the English speaking world.

Sarah Jessica Parker: Not a bad choice, it's just a pity that all you're going for is women with three names. Mary Stuart Masterson, Jennifer Jason Leigh and Helena Bonham Carter, are all on your list, either that or you prefer altitude challenged women. Carnal knowledge? Possibly if you make your mind up.

Professor Stone:-

Once again, my esteemed colleague seems to be psychoanalyzing his own self. But since you brought it up, women with three names obviously take themselves very seriously. Otherwise, why bother? High maintenance, they are called. To that end, we have no choice but to conclude that a man (or a woman) who would be interested in any one of these, is definitely looking beyond the carnal (see Jennifer Lopez) toward the intellectual. Or else, they'd like people to think that. Truth is, these women have a reputation for taking off their clothes and all have played tramps at one time or another. Your carnal knowledge must be well-intact for they are to likely be the indifferent types, more concerned with staring out a window than pleasuring you sexually.

Amendment 1A-

Some Jennifer Jason Leigh fans have been known to be slightly disturbed. That is, they like her because she's not afraid to ... dare I say it, take a walk on the wild side (and the colored girls go do do do do do), oh, sorry. Where was I? Ah, yes. The wild side. Not in the traditional sense (see Jennifer Lopez) but in another way entirely. Jennifer has "neurotic" written all over her so you might be the type to hold someone's head up while they vomited in the toilet, say, after a binge drinking episode. In this case, carnal knowledge will likely be supressed.

Dr. Ashley:-

Yes, it's a fair cop, these are all personal fantasy women (JJL etc). In my defence I have to add that my favourite Jennifer Jason Leigh film is The Big Picture, anyone who says it is Last Exit to Brooklyn is lying, I never said that, and I haven't seen the film anyway, and you can't prove that I did.

CineScene, 1999