In which we carve up the worst movies we've seen this year.
Contributors: Mark Ashley, Chris Dashiell,
I could smell its stench before the end of the first reel. Helen Hunt:
a racoon-eyed alcoholic. Kevin Spacey: a burn victim whose mother was,
no doubt, a racoon-eyed alcoholic. They want to love each other, but he's
afraid. She's pushes -- she needs a man in her bed, preferably a screwed
up one who rejects her. But will she recoil in horror at the sight of
"the flesh"? Still, through all the pain and suffering one kid decides
to pay random acts of kindness forward and practically saves the world
doing it. Perhaps it was the glaze -- which practically overwhelmed the
bird. Or maybe it was just that the turkey got left out of the oven and
never really cooked at all, which would account for the stench. Or maybe,
and most likely, the stuffing - which was too mushy, too sweet, and too
much - was stuffed too tightly into the bird, thus causing it to burst
while cooking, leaving an exposed wound instead of a presentation. So
we all left still hungry and rather disgusted by the whole experience.
It's about this kid Haley Osment. He still sees dead
people. He sees them everywhere. They're not really dead this time. They're
just dead inside. They're sick and they don't even know it. But Osment
knows because he has the sick sense. Anyway, there's this class project
he needs to do for Kevin Spacey (who also doesn't know that he's "dead").
So he thought of this project where you help one of these "dead" people
and instead of paying you back, he helps three other "dead" people. Hence,
Pay It Forward, the movie's title. It has a twist ending,
too, like the other Osment movie. Audience reaction has been mixed. I
know men who've admitted crying during the movie and were willing to gay
it forward. Others were pissed. I, for one, vowed to pee it forward. Maybe
I'm just dead inside and don't even know it.
MOVIE OF THE YEAR
Rules of Engagement
To win this award it's not enough to have a lot of bellicose bellowing, crappy courtroom drama, or Tommy Lee Jones and Samuel L. Jackson giving the worst performances of their careers, all of which this movie has. No, it takes a special kind of foulness to achieve the Evil Movie Award.
Jackson plays a Marine colonel who fires on a crowd of Yemeni demonstrators while evacuating an embassy, killing a few dozen of them, including some women and children. He's brought up on charges for this massacre, and Jones is his defense attorney. We don't know why the Yemenis were demonstrating - as one character explains, "The people are mad about something, darling." But don't trouble your little head about that - foreign affairs are complicated and should be left up to our boys in uniform. Anyway, it turns out that some nasty bureaucrats are just looking for a scapegoat again. You see, those women and children were actually terrorists. That little kid on a crutch was packin', man. So remember, never presume to question what the military is doing, never trust a wog, just shut up and salute. Be stupid if you know what's good for you.
- Chris Dashiell
A farcical comedy portrayed as historical adventure. It's not until the dinner scene that we really get to see the true nature of the movie. The captain and officers sit around a simple wooden table in what appears to be a pretty rough storm and they're eating soup followed by whole oranges. Something that runs and something that rolls, perfect food for your comedy submarine. After that it's just cliché piled upon cliché piled upon cliché until the end where one minute they're lost in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, the next they're saved by an aircraft too big for an aircraft carrier and too far from land to have enough fuel to get home. A film to have you rolling in the aisles - laughter or nausea, take your pick.
- Mark Ashley
|Book of Shadows:
Blair Witch 2
sucks more than any movie has ever sucked before. OK, OK, except maybe for Manos: the Hands of Fate. They couldn't leave well enough alone. They had some success with the first movie and decided they had to capitalize on it by turning it into a franchise. They just forgot to make a decent movie out of it.
Incomprehensible, derivative and just plain stupid, this movie will have you screaming in horror at the thought of all the better ways you could have spent your $8.50.
- Devin Rambo
MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 2
Puke it Forward, the kind of movie where you tell three other people that you puked while watching it. - RR
The Next Best Thing, or How To Be a Yoga Instructor and Still Go Out with Julia Roberts' Boyfriend (and Wear Haute Couture). - LM-M
The Patriot - If this is liberty, give me death. - CD
Where the Heart Is - I love Oprah, I love
the idea of her book club, I even love many of the books in her book
club. I also really detest many of the books in her book club. If you
could pick the worst of the lot, and then make it into a movie, this
would be it.
The Cell - Hotshot advertising director Tiresome unveiled a new commercial for serial killers this year. Hip, pretentious serial killers wearing the latest designs. - CD
I'll wait for the video so I can Play It Fast-Forward. - RR
Best in Show - au contraire. - CD