END OF DAYS

by Lovell Mahan-Moutaw

One thing you can say for the Devil, he makes a decent villain.

Gabriel Byrne playing the Devil, well now, that is far more than decent.

How do I love Gabriel Byrne, let me count the ways...all right, I'll spare you. Ahem, okay, starting over.

One thing you can say for the Devil, he makes a decent villain. End of Days is one in a host of religious movies put out this year, including Stigmata, Dogma, and The Messenger. I don't know if it is the Y2K thing that has people thinking about what is "up there" or "down there," but it seems to be on Hollywood's mind these days.

End of Days focuses on both "up there" and "down there" The movie begins with the birth of a child that will grow to carry the baby of Satan. The Vatican decides to find the baby and attempt to protect it. Years go by, the Devil comes up through a fire that originates from manholes (of all things), follows Gabriel Byrne into the bathroom of a restaurant and possesses his body. The Dark One (Gabriel Byrne) then walks out into the restaurant, lays a wet one on some woman while feeling her up rather liberally and when her companion protests, Lucifer gives him a stare that we're supposed to think is so frightening that the companion quiets. However, instead, it makes me want to tear through the screen and jump the Dark Lord's possessed bones.

We are then introduced to Arnold Schwarzenegger, who plays Jericho (yes, that is his name), a suicidal, high tech security man. He protects important people. This is simply so he will have a witty sidekick/partner and in future scenes in the film, access to an arsenal of huge guns and bazookas. Somehow, Jerry hooks up with the chosen one, Christine (yes, that is her name and she is played by Robin Tunney) and appoints himself to protect her.

Other stuff happens that is either 1) gratuitous nudity or 2) gratuitous violence or 3) gratuitous gore or 4) spliced in scenes from Se7en's cutting room floor or 5) Arnold saying the word "fuck" or 6) something with fire in it or 7) someone who has their eyes open in order to appear zombie-like (for what reason I do not know) or 8) is some kind of twisted Christ-esque metaphor or 9) Christine getting attacked by "the good guys" or (and best of all) 10) Gabriel Byrne being mean.

From my flippancy, you might get the impression that I didn't like this movie. Yes, it was obvious and yes, there was a lot of unnecessary and stupid cussing, nudity and violence, but that doesn't mean it wasn't a good way of spending a few hours on a lazy afternoon. In fact, it was quite fun to watch and I enjoyed myself thoroughly. I wouldn't see it again, nor would I suggest anyone see it and pay over matinee price, but I would say it was fun and for more reasons than just the fact that Gabriel Byrne is a hottie.