The Importance of Being J-LO
by Sasha Stone

Every once in awhile a film comes along that instills a desire to perpetrate an act of violence upon oneself rather than endure one more minute of it - put one's head through a plate glass window, or perhaps swan dive into a pool as shallow and uninviting as the so-called plot on which the star vehicle is hinged. The star is Jennifer Lopez, and the vehicle is called The Wedding Planner. And, unfortunately for Matthew McConaughey, he is the miscast leading man.

Sure, everybody loves a wedding, especially when mixed with screwball comedy and silly love, something along the lines of My Best Friend's Wedding. And everybody loves Jennifer Lopez - Latina crosses invisible borders and makes good. The concept and star landed the movie in the number one spot over the weekend, putting Lopez on her way to being an "opener." For women, there are just a few who can open a film - Julia Roberts, Barbra Streisand, and maybe one day Julia Stiles. So, for Lopez to be considered an opener is a pretty big deal.

Lopez plays Mary Fiore, an Italian-American who happens to speak with a Puerto Rican accent. She's not just a wedding planner, she's the wedding planner - whose reputation is as golden as the tawny streaks through Lopez' famous mane. When first we lay eyes upon her, she's talking down a bride who's having second thoughts. She has just the right thing to say as if it was stuffed inside her emergency kit (along with Krazy glue, perfume, and scissors): "You're exquisite and timeless. You're about to marry a man who just told me he can't believe you picked him, that he'll be marrying the most beautiful woman he's ever seen." The bride cries, crisis averted - on to the next problem.

Mary sells the wedding dream, even when she knows it will fall apart, even as she makes bets with her co-workers on how soon the pair will divorce. For instance, if they pick "I Honestly Love You" as their wedding song, then it's certain to fail. Also, teal is not the color for bridesmaids' dresses.

Alas, Mary has yet to find love. And in a series of facts better suited to the usually shy-but-cute Sandra Bullock character, we find out that this Gucci-wearing, high society gal eats dinner alone while watching "Antiques Roadshow," and plays scrabble with seniors. She also likes to watch old movies screened outside at the park. Yeah, right.

Enter Steve Edison, who rescues Mary while she tries to save her shoe rather than herself from a dumpster that is rolling toward her. Next thing you know, Steve is atop Mary palming her face like a basketball, so captivated is he. You know it's love. Boy loses girl, however, when girl finds out boy is engaged to the bride for whom Mary is planning the wedding. (Who thought this up? I'd like to send them my therapy bill.)

The wedding planning is the most interesting part of the movie - it's fun to watch the detail, and Lopez gets to show her shrewd and calculating side. But all of that gets dropped quickly to make way for some kind of a sappy screwball comedy which has the appearance of, say, a Barbara Stanwyck / Henry Fonda love story - sassy lady, befuddled but cute guy tangled up in a love they can't control, and, try as they might, can't resist.

This would all be perfectly fine (especially since we're all really there to see Jennifer Lopez falling in love with someone other than Sean Puffy Combs) if there had been so much as a mosquito's gut-sized droplet of chemistry between the two stars. Lopez seems like a last-minute replacement, and McConaughey appears to be going through the motions, like he'd really rather be somewhere - anywhere - else, like perhaps, oh, I don't know, partying naked on his ranch in Austin?

Lopez gives the film everything she's got. This is no lazy gal - she's ambitious and works hard, which is why she's believable as the cold and indifferent planner but not believable as a lonely wallflower. She's bigger than this movie, and the movie suffers for it. Besides, you just can't shake the Sandra Bullock thing while watching this, it so clearly seems to have been written for her and even co-stars her pal Matt. Jennifer Lopez is a lot of things, but goofy/cutesy isn't one of them.

Yet if the film didn't suffer from that, it surely would suffer from the slapstick bits that grind against Lopez' earnestness - for instance, take the scene where the two first meet. It's some sort of dance hall. The love triangle is there, the bride can't come to the phone, so Mary and Steve must dance together. But instead of doing an awkward dance where neither knows the steps, they launch into a fully choreographed tango that almost makes you wish you were watching a musical with a singing and dancing Lopez.

But by far the worst of these bits comes from a sequence involving male genitalia in a sculpture garden. Steve knocks over a huge naked statue and lo! The penis falls off. So, the wedding planner whips out her handy Krazy Glue and they attempt to glue it back on. But the glue has stuck the package to Steve's palm just as a guard happens to pass by. Chuckle, chuckle. Sentimental music swells, Mary and Steve exchange meaningful looks as Mary lovingly applies nail polish remover to Steve's palm, carefully removing the Mound of Adonis. "You want it?" Steve asks. "Sure," Mary replies, and Steve tosses it with a thump into Mary's bag. Yes, metaphors abound!

You can probably guess how the film ends. The only really surprising thing about it is that they do manage to avoid certain pitfalls, like the bride-to-be, played by Bridgette Wilson, doesn't have to be an awful person for her upcoming marriage to Steve to be wrong. It's Steve who ends up looking bad, and we're all convinced that Mary really is exactly as she describes herself - a magnet for unavailable men. We get the feeling that if Steve is so utterly fickle with his fiancée, he could turn around and do the same thing to Mary. In a heartbeat.

CineScene, 2001